Memories Remain

It has been almost two weeks since I last updated my blog. Time is really a constraint right now and we are always aware that "time and tides wait for no man".  Anyway no matter how occupied we are, it is always necessary to have time for ourselves. I feel that is part of self therapy to stay healthy. 

I wish to share and continue my chapters of life from the previous blog. Arwah and i started our life independently. Although it was quite tough but we learnt a lot.  Anyway, it was when Syakira was almost eight months old when we came back to Malaysia for good. Families  insisted us too, and we finally decided to come home.

Convocation ceremony in Kuala Lumpur :) 

Being a parent with a baby, we had to survive for our living.  Alhamdulillah arwah managed to find a job and I joined the teaching line.  That was the time when arwah started his Audit, frequent out stations and due dates to adhere. The worst scenario was that he spent very little time with us but we still managed with the support from our families. Thank you all and i always appreciate.

Anyway, our second baby Hasya Syakira was born in 1997, followed by Haziq (2000),and  Hakim (2003) and  I told arwah having  two boys and two girls were perfect. He spontaneously claimed he preferred odd number instead. In 2006 Hanna was born.

First and foremost - Husna Syakira (1995)

Second - Hasya Syakira (1997)

Third - Muhammad Haziq (2000)

Fourth - Muhammad Hakim (2003)

Last but not least - Hanna Syakira (2006)

He knew he was so much occupied but he enjoyed every little moment with all of them.  Whenever he can, he insisted us to follow him even for one night stay.  "I know I am going to be very busy with discussion, presentation and workshop for the whole day, but at least it is a relief to see all of you by my side at night".  Park Royal Singapore, Cyberview Lodge, Cyberjaya, Shang Ri-La, Pullman, Equatorial, Nilai Springs, Avillion Port Dickson, Corus Paradise and many more were his family vacation and workplace as well. Now he has gone. I said to them things will never be the same. I think my little Hanna tried to adapt when once she said to me. "Mama, papa dah meninggal tapi boleh tak nanti bila Kak Syakira dah kerja Hanna suruh dia bawa kita pergi hotel lagi. I can just smile and agreed. I know they have always enjoyed the swimming pool and the moment with Papa especially during supper. The memories will never fade away..............

Night everyone...........

Life and Sacrifice

I guess I'm a little bit too late to wish all muslim viewers "Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha" but I hope we appreciate and learn how to sacrifice. Life is full with surprises and uncertainties.  Thus, when it happens, sacrifice is always part of the processes. It leads you to be a better and wiser person, In Sya Allah.

Anyway, last Monday (22 October 2012), my beloved niece Syamim threw a birthday surprise gathering  for my 'little Hanna' and Hasya (they share the same birthday month) since I did not plan for anything .  She took the effort ordering a birthday cake from ibu cookie with fried meehoon, pizza and varieties of pies.  Thanks a lot to you Meem and Akmal for being her driver. You all cheered them up.

To my dear Hasya, you are now 15 years old and always remember life ahead is full with challenges than what you can think of. No matter how difficult and  uncertain they are, life goes on and you will have to face it wisely.

It is sometimes necessary to flash back and remember those experiences and memories. They are your genuine guidance and we learn from mistakes. This is one of the reasons why I am putting them in writing, hoping we can share, acknowledge and learn  for a better tomorrow. 

Arwah Hanif thought me to be a stronger person and I'm thankful for that. I learn two principles from arwah which will remain with me for my entire life. No doubt our marriage is full with challenges, in many aspects. There were always times where I totally gave up but he was always pushing me to become stronger and think positively. "Kalau kita tak bangun dan menghadapinya macamana nak selesaikan. Biar lama dan ambil masa tapi kena juga hadapi."  It was very tough though. He managed despite of  all the challenges he had to face. Unfortunately, when things are getting better and better every single day, he left us forever.

There were times when I tend to be very emotional  listening to those cynical and sarcastic comments from the people (even from whom you never thought so...) but arwah said, 'let it be' and he will just smile. "Allah ada, biarlah". I know sometimes it hurts him tremendously,   but he always reminded us to accept things positively.  In Sya Allah I hope my children will practice the same too in their lives (but I must admit it is very challenging to raise them all by myself, and I am feeling it now...). 

As muslims we are thought to learn how to sacrifice in our lives and let us pray and hope Allah will give us the strength and guidance, always..........

"It is always wise to look ahead, but difficult to look further than you can see". Winston Churchill 

Without You.....

This week is full with memories for my dear Hanna, and for the very first time without Papa.  Last Tuesday (16 October 2012) was her 6th. birthday. Unlike those years Arwah preferred to treat the kids out, together with a bithday cake.  But it was not the same that day.  Syakira ordered a chocolate cake from ibu cookie (Ros) and early in the morning Hasya and Tok Wan sent it over to her school. She celebrated with her teachers and friends. Happy Birthday Hanna Syakira, Mama and all of us will always pray for you.

For the past few days she was also busy rehearsing for her annual concert, showing her talent to everyone but, didn't stop her from dreming of Arwah.  Two days ago she woke up and told me, "Mama, Hanna mimpi Hanna balik mengaji nampak Papa senyum dekat Hanna tapi dia tak cakap apa-apa, lepas tu Hanna senyum balik dekat Papa.  Masa tu Mama tengah sidai baju dekat luar". I guess she misses him a lot.

Finally, last night was the big day for all the chidren and as for Hanna she made us proud with her opening speech. Kakak Syakira, Kakak Hasya and Ayah Chik were her trainers. 

Hanna was also performing for Medley Songs and Korean Dance. Other chidren were witnessed by their Mum And Daddy but not for Hanna. Thanks to all Teachers, Teacher Rozi, Nenek, Toksu, Buji, Aunty Lely, Uncle Ai and  all cousins for the moral support, you all made her happy for being there and seing her performing has put everyone to tears.

Do enjoy and share some photos during  the annual concert. It was a simple  one but yet a very meaningful experince for Hanna and Gang (Geng Pergi Sekolah with Ihsan and Lokman) and the rest. Hanna, always remember that we will always love you.....................

Sweet Memories.......

During recent Hari Raya Aidilfitri, my childhood friend who is also our neighbour “Adik” came over.  She reminded me of the incident years back when she received a call. Apparently, it was for me. Both of us share the same Sir name, “Sani” and thus this person who called thought the house number that was found from the yellow pages was mine (I can still remember how thick the phone directory was).  That was truly a sweet memory, and I never thought ‘Adik” still remember.......It was during our last semester break from Uitm and since then, arwah Hanif  frequently contacted me (after getting the correct number). We shared many stories mostly about our future study plans not realising that he had other agenda too.

Anyway, ten days after the wedding day I followed him back to London. He travelled to and fro to Leceister for classes. As for me, I started to join JPA London, Bryanston Square as a part time employee in the accounts department. Alhamdulillah, nine months later in January 1995 I gave birth to our first baby, Husna Syakira (she prefers to be called ‘Syakira”) in St. Thomas’ Hospital, a public hospital. It was a sweet memory since the room was opposite the Big Ben and I could see the time precisely.  The experience was awesome. . Although admitted in the evening and delivered on the next day, but I was not left unattended by the midwife even for a second.  Every single progress was reported as though she was writing a very, very long essay.  I was treated very well that they offered me various types of painkillers, from epidurals to gas just to ensure I was comfortable. Anyway, I rejected all. It was all free of charge since we registered with NHS. Felt very thankful because my cousin experienced it differently in Malaysia, but supposed now is different and our public hospitals are better, we hope so.

Exactly after the confinement period, we travelled all the way from London to Edinburgh with my parents. Thanks to Fairuz and friends for allowing us to stay a night at your place. It was winter but a great experience to Mak and Abah.

Syakira was two months old when my parents went back to Malaysia and I resumed to work. Every morning, from Eleplant & Castle and to Buckingham Palace route arwah and baby sent me to Bryanston Square and fetched  in the evening. It was our daily routine, but only for five days a week. There was one time when he was in the midst of completing his final dissertation, he did it at home while babysitting Syakira.

London, UK is very common to Malaysians. Almost every week or month we had visitors (friends, relatives, uncles and as for En. Khalil, he travelled as though London was just kilometres away from Uitm, Shah Alam). We were their loyal tour guides to Hyde Park and St. James Park, Madame Tussauds,  Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square, and of course Oxford Street for shopping!  At one time we even travelled to the Lake District with rice cooker and rendang under Syakira’s stroller. I hope Ogy still remember....

Borough Road, Elephant and Castle in London is very nostalgic and meant a lot to both of us. We started our life experiences as students, close friends, husband and wife, mama and papa, employees and shared everything, just the two of us independently.  I missed the moment, I really do.... That was why he was so excited to plan for the kids especially Syakira to visit her ‘kampung’ one day. Syakira, life is full with sacrifices and let the memories remain although Papa has gone forever. To my children, please allow us to be proud of you all.............

How It Started...

It was in the late 1980s and beginning 1990s when we were course mates in MARA (Uitm, Shah Alam).  Nothing more than that since we had our own priorities and admirers.  Aza and Munirah, both of you  and others should know better if you read this......

Anyway, last week was different though. Our previous course mate  Zehan, who is now attached to Accounting Faculty called and offered me a part time job. So, last Monday (three days ago) I went to Uitm, Shah Alam  not as a student but as one of the part time teaching staff. Fortunately my sister was willing to guide me to the new faculty and routes. Thank you "kak" for your time. Anyway, those familiar places reminds me of the memories twenty two years ago..... Back to my story,  after completing our Diploma in Accountancy, we pursued our First Degree in South Bank University in London. I never planned to join my other friends there. I had started my Advanced Diploma in MARA and in fact I was in Delima hostel for around ten days. Nevertheless  it was fated that I joined them to London.  There were ten of us but Hanif was the only throne among the nine roses.

It was Sept 1991 when we  left for London.  I was supposed to sit beside  arwah late Zaikha (she passed away in 1997) in the plane but Hanif and her had exchanged sitting and he was beside me instead.  I supposed that was the beginning....

We were very excited to reach Heathrow Airport for the very first time.

Our relationship became serious from time to time. We faced many challenges. There were friends who were happy for us (Jan, thank you for sharing) but there were some who didn't. They created unnecessary stories and rumors and even claimed that we will never make it. It was quite sad.....

After completing my degree I went back to Malaysia in November 1993 but most of them continued their ACCA. Hanif registered his Masters in Leicester.

In December 1993 Hanif''s parents came and that was where everything started. We were engaged in January 1994.  My mom was trying to delay the wedding date to June but he wanted it earlier. My parents,  akak, Ai and relatives were always there to support and made our dream came true. Finally,  it was fated that we ended up tying the knot three months later (31 March 1994).

Now he has gone forever. Alhamdulillah we made it until the end of his fullest life. At the age of 42 years old he left me with our five kids.  We only spent eighteen  years of marriage life. To everyone out there, please cherish your every moment together because things can happen anytime and only Allah knows best. Now I thought that was the reason why he wanted everything to be very fast just because his life was too short.........................

First and Last......

It was around 9.00 pm last night when Hanna was getting ready to bed. “Hanna do you remember papa?” . She replied, “Yes I do when we went to Jakarta with papa”. Hanif travelled a lot not only domestically but also internationally.  Kids are eager to join but school and tuition classes will always be the reasons why they couldn’t and I have to be with them.

 It was different this time. Hanif insisted me to follow him. It was truly hectic and restless for him. Earlier was Kota Kinabalu (KK), the next day to Australia for a week and the very same day we travelled .(The cab sent him home in the morning from Australia and sent us back to KLIA in the afternoon to Jakarta). It was after sixteen years that I last took an international flight and of course first time for Hanna. Both of us were too excited when we were brought to the Plaza Premium Lounge located at the Satellite Building while waiting for our departure.

 Variety of food and beverages were served, Hanna enjoyed her ice cream.

We stayed for 3 nights in JW Marriott Jakarta and flew back to Kuala Lumpur on Friday (6^th July 2012). 

 With bulk of chocolates from the duty free shops, we headed home.

 

 

Along the way, Hanif said “I have always wanted to bring you and the kids, so from now on you will follow me wherever I go okay. Next trip will be to the States (tentatively end September) and then we shall bring all of them to KK end of this year, and In Sha Allah to Perth next year. Syakira also needs a trip back home to her kampung".

To my surprise I received a BBM last two days from someone to Hanif (I still keep arwah’s Blackberry and continue using it). Apparently, it was from his friend from KK. She was shocked to hear about Hanif and informed me about his plan to bring us there.  I thought that was why she called to confirm.

The kids were so eager and excited when papa informed them about his plans especially four of them since they were left behind.

We remembered all his promises and have always wanted to follow him but we only plan and Allah decides. I never thought Jakarta was the first and the last international flight for the family.  Five days later he left us forever...........

To my children, if Allah wills it, mama will try to make papa’s dream come true.............